“Tell Me Why” I took a…

“Tell Me Why”

I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think i’m bulletproof, but i’m not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground I see who you are

I’m sick and tired of your attitude
I’m feeling like I don’t know you
You tell me that you love me then you cut me down
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you’re around
And here’s to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you’re doing to me
Tell me why..

You could write a book on how to ruin someone’s perfect day
Well I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what i’m trying to say, oh

I’m sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you’re around
Here’s to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you’re doing to me
Tell me why..

Why..do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside
Why..do you have to put down my dreams
So you’re the only thing on my mind

I’m sick and tired of your attitude
I’m feeling like I don’t know you
You tell me that you want me then cut me down
I’m sick and tired of your reasons
I’ve got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around
Here’s to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you’re doing to me
Tell me why
Why, tell me why

I take a step back, let you go
I told you i’m not bulletproof
Now you know

Lyrics from a song by Taylor Swift

She’s Here!

At long last, I am not pregnant anymore and our beautiful daughter Charlie is here! Everything they say you feel when you see your kid for that first moment is true. I was just…taken. The moment I saw her and held her I was hers.

Meet Lily…

This was a long and strange and uncomfortable journey getting here, but WELL worth the ride.

Since Jon and I couldn’t settle on which name to choose for her (he wanted Lily and I wanted Charlie) we decided to compromise. Charlie Zae Lily Bradshaw was born on August 25th 20011. She weighed 8lbs 8oz and was 21 inches long! Our big beauty was born healthy and we were happy!

Since this little beauty is also a little stubborn like her momma, she wouldn’t turn the right direction for a vaginal birth, so I had her by C-Section. My procedure was smooth, quick, and almost completely pain free! THAT’S the way to have a baby lemme tell ya! =) The only snag I hit was the day after I had her I got a spinal headache and ended up in bed for the first week of her life. It was horrible. The worst pain of my entire life. =( But it did eventually pass and I was able to get up and truly enjoy her.

Now it has been about 7 weeks since she was born and she’s already started changing. Here are some more recent photos of our girl…

Daddy’s a Longhorns fan

<3 <3 <3  Thank you Lord for this beautiful amazing healthy baby girl.

She is my single most prized and precious gift. <3 <3 <3

We have to…

Ohh…where do I even begin?

I am in one of those places along the journey where every step feels like a lesson. And I am desperately hoping that that’s not something that will always be that way. I am hoping that someday soon we will reach a place of peaceful comfort. Even if it’s only for a short season. I don’t know, maybe that is naive. It’s totally possible that all of life goes like this, and all we can hope for is to remember to take notes and learn from all of life’s lessons. But for the sake of hope, I am going to keep thinking that once we pass the tough times there will be some great ones too. I have to believe that once we have given our best and worked so hard, we will be able to live in our dreams as they become our reality. I am not looking for life to be perfect…just better.

I am blessed though. I have a place to live, a great husband, a healthy baby on the way, good health, the ability to attend school and pursue my career, a wonderful family, a handful of true friends, a God that always loves and watches me…not to mention all the MANY smaller things that we tend to take advantage of like AC, food, running water, phones, and all the little comforts of life. These are things I have come to expect from my life, but I know how much they mean to me, and I know that there are millions of people out there that can’t claim these blessings in their lives. And yet…somehow…I still forget sometimes just how lucky I am. And I am sorry to God for that. That’s pretty terrible.

My husband Jon and I have been on our journey together here for almost two years now, and a journey it has been. We have had some awesome times together already traveling, loving, living, and learning. But we have reached the toughest place so far here recently and have come across some challenges we weren’t quite prepared for as best we could have been. But hey, that’s what we get for jumping into family life so young right guys?? {eye roll} …YES. Had we waited to get married and start our small family until after we had finished school and established our careers and become the more mature, wise, stable people that adulthood makes you {eyes crossed for this part}, then this first chapter of the journey would have gone smoother. The same lessons would have had to have been learned by both of us, but we would have had more time and less pressure to learn them over a longer period of time, instead of having to face all this responsibility all at once. That is true. I am well aware of that. But…that was part of the choice I made. Though the stresses are more intense than I am used to, and the lessons are ones that I didn’t know I needed to learn, I am here and moving forward and still very much where I want to be. Maybe not monetarily where I want to be (that’s gonna take some time),  but absolutely where I want to be in life. With Jon…with my daughter…going to school…learning how to live life together. And that means something! To me, if no one else.

And something I am learning here recently…I DON’T CARE IF OTHER PEOPLE (no matter how dear to me) HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY LIFE. I love that people care for me. I love that they want the best for me. But I cannot give my mind over to their ways of thinking to make them happy and to try to make my life look the way they see is right, while also trying to maintain my own desires in life and peace in mind. It’s just EXHAUSTING. And it sucks the life out of me when I let it. I will be who I want to be. Period.

Jon has been so strong for me lately. I am almost TEN months pregnant and we are having money problems that weigh heavy on us constantly (which is normal for young families), and though I know he wants to just let it get to him and act on his angers frustrations and fears…he doesn’t. And that is something he’s not naturally good at. Most of us aren’t. But he normally would be down and quiet and irritated before. But he has made it one of his main priorities to keep himself strong for me. He works somewhere around 60 hours a week these days and has made sure that when he’s home he acts nicely, treats me respectfully, and plays and laughs with me (and mom, since she’s staying with us for the time being). I can’t explain how much that has made the difference for us in this time. We are trying to live off one income when we normally don’t and it’s really hard. But he is strong and hard-working and loving and just…incredible. The man is not perfect. But he is a truly wonderful man, and I love him with all my heart. We are changing and growing and learning together, and as long as we keep moving forward I honestly believe that our hard work will start to change the life around us. We will reach our goals and one day be successful. We have to…

Momma’s Ready

Well here’s the update for the Bradshaw household…

Charlie is still looking healthy and she’s already over 6lbs. I am at 38 weeks and fully stretched out! She is still in a breach position and my doctor says if she doesn’t turn within the next two weeks she will only do a C-section. Our doctor will not try to deliver a breech baby or attempt to turn her manually. Which I am fine with. At this point, I just want her out! I want to start the roller coaster that we’re already in line for and I want to move forward and put this all behind us. Not to mention that I am DYING to hold my daughter finally! It’s all very exciting and nerve-racking! I have been so fortunate to this point with not having any severe problems like many women do. No puking, very little aches and pains, and so far the kid is healthy. So although I am so grateful for that…I am still tired of watching the number on the scale get higher, and I am tired of being limited in the things I can do daily. So needless to say…HURRY UP KID!!! lol

 

Boy oh b—GIRL!

Baby Bradshaw is a baby girl!

Though Jon and I were thinking it would be more convenient for us personally to have a boy first, as you all know, we’re not actually in control of that. =) And that’s just fine with us because now we are excitedly awaiting our daughters entry into the world!

There is still much time to change our minds, we have already decided on her name. Well, more like, names. Jon absolutely loves the name Lilly. And although I really do like that name, I am not willing to have it as her main name. I want our daughters name to have some meaning other than flower, and I also have always leaned away from super girly names. So I personally love the name Charlie for a girl. Jon was actually the first one to suggest it and when he did I remembered it and how much it appealed to me. So since then I’ve been hooked. SO…

Charlie Zae Bradshaw   aka  Lilly  <3

Though her actual name will be Charlie, most will address her as Lilly.

So everyone, meet our daughter Lilly…

Charlie Browns Teacher

…wa wah wa wah wa wahh… 

{THIS IS FROM ANOTHER FACEBOOK NOTE I DID A WHILE BACK}

 There’s just something about writing that gets me. Or maybe it’s the reading that gets me most. Either way, I truly enjoy hearing into another persons mind even if just for a moment, or just because their triggered emotions are driving them to write. I’m just curious about people. I mean, hey, I have PLENTY of days where I couldn’t care less to hear anyone elses thoughts about anything. I remain human. But sometimes, when my own mind is calm, I very much enjoy to listen.

I am not an artist. I cannot paint, draw, build, sing, dance, or play music from anything but an ipod. BUT…

I can appreciate all of those forms of art as good as anyone. I love art, I just can’t duplicate it. And I have made peace with that personal fact. We were all made with different plans in mind. So maybe I can be great at something else ya know?

——–Oh, by the way…this note here is very much just a bunch of ramblings of stuff, so feel free to ignore it if you’re expecting something more entertaining or enlightening. =)——–

Anyways…writing is absolutely an art form. If you’re a reader, you know that. Being able to take someone on a journey through their minds, to be able to bring them to a specific point of understanding, to persuade or manipulate another’s thoughts and emotions with just your words…makes writing more than ’art’ worthy. Music does the same. Certain paintings take you somewhere else in your mind. Simply seeing and aweing at a structure can marvel the mind. Art can change you. It can meet you where you are and leave you different than before.

My dad told me, when I was nearing the end of my senior year of high school, to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Not figure everything out, just mainly what I wanted to study; what my goals were gong to be.

I have never wanted to be a doctor. Never a lawyer. Not even a princess. So, even though it should’ve hit me sooner, I was only just then realizing that I had no real idea of what I wanted to be.

After explaining this to my dad, he responded with something I consider to be wise. He does that sometimes. =)

Search through your life, he told me, and figure out which things God has placed in you that are absolute passions of your soul. What has He put inside of you that you cannot ignore? What drives you? What is it that makes you tick? What are the things you excel the most in? And when you find those things…pray. He will lead you from there.

Sounds good. So I did.

OK, let’s see…

sports?….no

law?….no

beauty?….naaaa

healthcare?…ehh…nope

CSI???….not exactly

automotive???…HAHAHAA—ok, this one never even really made the list! =P

education??….no way, I’m not even that great of a student. …math C’s, science C’s, history B-’s, english—

Wow. It was only now that I realized that MY passions were no good in the money-making sense.

I mean, what do I really have a true passion for other than reading and traveling?? I like tons of things, but we were talking passions here! I mean, I truly love to get lost in a good novel or to be inspired by a great poem or understand someone better by reading their biography. And though I still hadn’t be able to travel much, I loved it when I did. We moved all the time and I enjoyed meeting new people and starting over fresh in new places and experiencing different people and cultures. I ate up that kind of stuff! These were among the few things that really stir me.

But seriously…what job would allow me to do those things for money?

DUH. TEACHING.

But I don’t particularly like kids. Maybe older ones?? Sure, that might not be SO horrible. Maybe even adults? Jr. High? High school? College? And teachers are ike nurses. Always needed. Everywhere. SO moving would be alright since they have teachers everywhere! And they get the summers off. Meaning I can travel abroad during the summers!

“connect the dots” right dad??

So, after much thought and prayer…I decided that I want to teach English Lit. ahhh. Decision.

Now, I’m nowhere close to finished with school, and since I am both human and female there is a good chance I could change my mind again before I graduate, but assuming that I don’t…I think it fits me well. I have had some really horrible teachers. They seriously made me question whether or not I actually liked reading or writing. Because if it was what they were making it out to be, then I wanted no part of it. But now, that only drives me to want to become the best teacher that I can be. To really learn how to really teach. To use what God has given me to inspire other readers, other writers, other art lovers…or even just to help those that do not share the passion for the written word. To give them a good experience that they can take with them, even if it’s not their love. And maybe help them not hate coming to my class. At the very least it could help their attendance records. =)

Like I said, this is really just me rambling. But I enjoy writing out my thoughts sometimes. And lately I have been reading other people’s notes and I am not the only one. I like to know what others think. It’s pretty cool sometimes.

I don’t know that I have much of a point to this one. Maybe the point is that I really want to be a teacher and I am excited about it. Or maybe that I might just be an artist in some way shape or form. lol

I don’t know. But here it is…whatever it may be.

Baby Bradshaw!

We had our first sonogram this week and got our first glimpse of our baby. We don’t know if it’s a he or a she yet, but either way it’s already so loved!! They really mean it when they say there’s just nothing like it…

We watched our kid move and suck its thumb and wiggle like it was already grown and out. We weren’t expecting it to be like that. We could see it moving…which means nothing to hear. It’s definitely something you have to experience to understand. It was just miraculous.

I have never been so sure of the existence of God.

NOTHING else could do this. NOTHING.

Sorry evolution. You lose.

=D